A Plan?

Okay. I may have come up with a plan. Although maybe not. But at the moment, the plan is...

Go home in July, find a bar job or something easy like that, and do a TELF course. Save save save until after xmas and then look into English teaching jobs in Valencia or somewhere else in Spain.

As sad as it is, the more I think about the job in Barcelona, the more I think it isn't right for me. I don't think I could live with a host family for a year. The family I'm living with now are so nice and I'm free to do what I want, but I couldn't do it for a long time. I need my freedom and independence. The worst thing is having to tell everyone that actually, I'm not moving to Spain in September. I'll have to deal with all the questions and sympathetic "Oh but you were SO excited..." comments. Yes, I know I was, but things change.

Is this new plan a good idea? Or do I still want to just stay at home and get on with life? SOMEONE HELP ME DECIDE!

I need to speak to my mum or dad. They usually help. But my mum is moving house today and is super stressed and my dad is on holiday, so neither are much use right now. I literally go in circles. But this is probably the best plan.. I think..

I get stressed that I'm nearly 23 and have no idea where I want to go with my life. And then I think that by the time I'm 26/27 I want to be with a serious boyfriend/fiance, be thinking about houses and children and know what I'm doing with life. That's 4/5 years. What am I doing? Stress. Right now I'm counting down the days until I get home, where I'll be living with my mum and her new partner, unemployed, carless, most of my friends aren't coming back to my city after uni and with no idea what to do.

Home > bar job > TEFL course > save up > come back to Spain in January? Yes? No?

What if I spend £350 on the TEFL course and then don't use it? I guess it's only money... But it's not like I'm rolling in it. Hmmm. Decisions.

I did say to myself I would let myself bum around until I'm 25 so even if I didn't go until January, I would still have over a year and a half to spend teaching somewhere.

Oh I don't know. I'm useless with decisions at the moment.

Kisses

Me and Children Do Not Mix

Deciding to work with children would make you think I like them, right? Wrong. I have no patience with them. They wind me up, they're so clumsy, noisy, messy... Throw into the mix the inability to speak English and dealing with a 5 year old is not fun. Older children aren't so bad, but I can only pretend to be interested in what they're doing for so long. Then I start to zone out and daydream.

I have a beautiful little niece who is 4. I don't know if it's because she's family or because she's very well behaved but she is the only child I can cope with for long periods of time. Even then I am usually relieved when my brother comes to pick her up after a long day. I used to love children. Now not so much.

Today is another day of wondering why I'm here. The weather isn't great and I just wandered around this morning before picking the children up for lunch. It was the first day of me looking after them alone. It went ok, but I was glad to to drop them back off at school. I'm now free until 6.30/7pm as they have a swimming lesson after school and I learnt after last time I am better off not going. Not sure what to do with myself, is it bad to just sit and watch Eastenders? If it was sunny I'd go to the beach or in the pool but it's grey and windy.

I'm so up in the air with everything. Decisions decisions. I've contacted a few people doing the teaching programme I should be doing in September through Facebook (hello creepy stalker) so just waiting for them to reply. I don't want to rush into deciding anything. I've also contacted a copywriting business at home to see about arranging some work experience (super proactive) so I'll see what turns up. I'll finish my 8 weeks here, go home and see what occurs. I really want to see my friends, I haven't seen many since Easter so it'll be good to see them when I'm back in July. 3 more days until I can say "I go home next month". Why do I do this? I count down time and wish my life away far too much. I need to relax and enjoy now rather than think about whats next.

I need some sun. Then I'll be content spending my free time on the beach. Until then, bed and Eastenders it is.

Kisses

General Life Musings

I went for a walk this morning and sat on one of the jetty things that goes out to sea, listening to music for nearly an hour. It was so peaceful and relaxing and I really had time to think about things. I'm slowly going off the idea of spending a year in Barcelona. It makes me feel sad that I was so excited about it and now I'm going the opposite way, but there is part of me that just wants to get back to England, figure out what it is that I want to do and get a job. I want to have a car and move out of my mum's and be able to do nice things, which I couldn't do while living in Spain with a host family, earning 40 euros a week. I know I won't go straight in to earning big money or anything, but it's more just that I want to get on with life. Deep down I know that what I want is a nice group of friends (which I already have but are now spread across the UK), a job that I enjoy, a little car to get about in and a nice, steady boyfriend. I sound so boring! But then I can't help what I am... I still want to do fun things, see new places etc and I still can, even when I'm working 9-5. I don't know. I'm so indecisive. I'll probably have changed my mind again by next week. I'm going to use my free time to research my options and see what emerges. There's not too much of a rush and I don't have to commit to anything yet.

My first "normal" day of au pairing went well today. I went for a walk and sat by the sea, stopped at a cafe for a drink, caught up on things on my laptop and spent time with the children. I took the older girl to the beach and I was supposed to be helping her practice her English but I'm not sure if we actually did much of that. More just making patterns in the sand, paddling and running around. I had fun though.

Before I came here I thought I'd want to meet people and go for nights out etc, but I'm pretty content just hanging around, having early nights and enjoying the peace and relaxation (seriously, where did the old me go?!). After the last year of uni and all the work I've done it feels so good to just stop and chill out for a bit. I'm trying to be extra healthy, lots of exercise, eating well, no alcohol... I'd love to go back to England tanned, fit and super healthy. I want to join a gym when I get home and really get into looking after myself. But I'll have to see. I seem to say a lot of things at the moment and not follow them through.

I realise my blog isn't really that exiting. It's not funny, full of crazy stories or lots of advice, but I guess one day it will help me to read it back and maybe anyone else in a similar position. I sound like such a loser, reflecting on life and planning the future, but being here alone is really making me think.

I'm having fun here though. 8 weeks doesn't seem too long anymore and I really like the family I'm working for. For anyone reading this who's thinking about au pairing - do it! Make sure you have a good family and go for it.

I'm off to watch Peter Andre: My Life now. How exciting am I?

Kisses

Weekend Away and Life Planning

My weekend in the Costa Brava was not what I expected. I naively had imagined a nice villa, sailing on a bit yacht while lounging in the sun and a long, luxurious meal served on a terrace by the sea... Instead we were staying at what I guess was like an outdoor pursuit center. Loads of children on a school trip, school dinner type food in a canteen and sailing was lots of people squashed into an unsteady looking boat. But overall it was alright.

On Saturday we arrived, had lunch, dumped our bags and headed off for "sailing". By this time it was FREEZING so I decided to stay on the shore and went with my host mum, her friend and the 2 youngest children. I had a hot chocolate (in Spain?! In May?!) and shivered away until they got back to shore. It chucked it down. And I mean REALLY chucked it down. It was like a monsoon. The children were grumpy, I was cold and one of the girls stood on my new, white converse with her sandy/muddy shoes :( We went to a bar for a drink and between 6 noisy children and 5 adults only speaking in Spanish I wondered why I was doing this. I could be at home doing nothing, choosing to do what I want, when I want and not having children around me 24/7. We went back to the place we were staying, showered and headed down for dinner (no vegetarian alternative so I ended up with greasy chips and a bit of salad...) before the adults cracked open the wine. They kept offering me more and for a moment I was tempted to down a bottle and get really drunk. But that would make me a bad au pair so refrained. One of the other dads got me a gin and tonic though and it was SO strong. After that I decided no more alcohol because I would definitely have got drunk. Before dinner, the English guy who is married to (or just "with") one of the family's friends arrived and we had an awkward conversation. He's lived in Spain 7 years and still can't speak the language. Crazy! Because we were both English we were basically left to make awkward conversation all night. He was nice, but there's only so much a 22 year old and a 40 or 50 something year old can talk about. I asked why he moved to Spain and that opened the can of worms about a messy divorce and England being a "dark" place for him. I just kind of sat there thinking about how unsympathetic I am and hoping he would change to a happier subject. Awkward. And yes I realised I used awkward three times in a few sentences describing our encounter, but that's what it was.

Today we went to the beach and they all went kayaking and paddling round on these ring things. I'd have done it, but no one told me that this weekend was like an adventure activity kind of thing and when they had told me to bring swimming stuff I was imagining laying on a yacht in the middle of the sea so brought a skimpy bikini... Not suitable for water sports. I told them I had a fear of canoes (what?) and sat on the beach with the mums and little children. I listened to my ipod and ignored everyone. Hello grumpy au pair. We headed back for lunch and more awkward conversation with Mr England. No one tells me what's going on and we'll all just be sat down, then everyone suddenly gets up and starts gathering their bags or something and I just have to pretend I totally know whats happening and join in... I think they forget they have to tell me but it makes me look a bit stupid!

I basically was a rubbish au pair this weekend. I get weekends off so I didn't know if I should be playing with the kids of hanging with the adults. I went to sit with the children to eat and was told to join the adults, but then I was worrying they were all whispering about how bad I was when I wasn't running round getting hot and sweaty chasing after a bouncy ball. We got back "home" at about 6.30 this evening and I made an effort with the older girl and showed her some photo's of my pets and friends at home (quickly skipping past the many drunken/badly behaved photo's on my phone...) and then played battleships before tea. It was quite nice actually and I'm starting to feel a bit more at home. Maybe 8 weeks isn't that long after all (must remember this next time I'm feeling grumpy!) and I'm sure it will fly by.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about working in Spain from September and I'm not sure it's what I want to do. It's working 25 hours a week, living with a host family and getting paid a "living allowance" of around 40 euros a week... They say they help you set up private English classes and can earn around another 200 euros a week but I'm not sure how likely that actually is. I don't want to be living with strangers, earning nothing and being grumpy. I'm starting to feel ready to get a job in the "real" world. But then this might change tomorrow, I seem so changeable at the moment. It's good to finally have time to think about what I want to do, hopefully by the time I go back to England I might have a bit more of a plan. From being 4 years old your life is planned out. Primary school > secondary school > sixth form > university. Then you hit 21 (22 in my case) and it's just like seeeeya work it out for yourself. I have a lot to think about, but luckily a lot of time to fill.

My plan for the week is to make more effort with the children (the family are so good to me, I need to make an effort for them!), explore the town a bit more, work out the washing machine and buy a belt. I brought one of my favourite dresses with me but it needs a belt and I forgot mine. I definitely checked round my room before I left looking for it and couldn't see it so I was convinced it was in my suitcase. Where do I buy a belt in a posh, tourist town? Everywhere is either gift shops or exclusive looking boutiques. Hmmm.

Apparently the weather isn't going to be great so no tanning for a few days. Probably a good thing. I've got a gross heat rash across my chest. I don't know where from because I spent most of the weekend shivering, but it's there and I hate it. I once got it really badly in Romania and it took ages to go. People keep asking if I'm burnt and I'm like I know I'm English, but even English people can't burn when there's barely any sun!

Fingers crosses it will go down overnight...

Kisses

p.s. There was a guy there this weekend called Juanca. Everyone pronounced his name wanker. Oblivious to what that means for me. I laughed to myself every time someone said it...