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Friday 31 May 2013

What is wrong with me?

Seriously. What is wrong with me? This morning I was looking into how much it would cost to change my flight to an earlier date and giving up on Barcelona, this afternoon I am thinking about all the things I can do before I leave and getting excited about September. Some serious mind changing going on at the moment. I blame the amount of thinking time I have here!

This afternoon I was just hanging out in my room waiting until I had to go and collect the children from school and it got to 4.45pm, I went downstairs and the mum wasn't there. I didn't know if I was supposed to be picking the girls up or what so I wandered over to the school and she was like "You no need!" and basically said they didn't need me.. I wandered to the park with them and left so I could go for a walk. Why does no one tell me these things? Am I just supposed to guess? I'm not complaining about the free time, but really, YOU HAVE TO TELL ME!

Sigh.

Kisses

Decisions Decisions

I emailed the people I will be working for in Spain asking if it is okay to book my flights in July. I was going to do this so I could wait and see where I was being placed before I made a decision, but apparently they can't tell me until my flight is booked. So now I don't know what to do. I'm so up and down. On the one hand, being in Barcelona, living in a different country, learning Spanish and being with a good friend of mine who is also moving there in September sounds so good... But at the same time having to live with a host family, barely earning any money, working long days and missing home puts me off. I don't want to turn it down and end up regretting it, but then I don't want to waste my money on flights etc if I'm not sure. I spoke to my dad last night and he said go for it, get the experience and enjoy time abroad. I don't know. Yesterday I was quite sure I'd do it, today, not so much.

I'm bored today. It's grey outside so I don't really want to go out so I've been sat browsing the internet for ages. I think the family think that I am really boring, but what else should I be doing? I don't want to wander round in bad weather, I only have 2 hours until I collect the children so that means I can't go anywhere too far away and I have no friends yet to meet up with. How much of a loser does that make me sound? I'm hopefully meeting up with another au pair and some other people on Sunday though. I just hope they're nice and lead me to actually having a bit of a social life here! I don't think I'm really cut out to be an au pair. I don't have enough interest in the children. The little one annoys me. They're so whiny and literally cry about 10 times a day.

One more day until I can say I go home next month. I know it doesn't make much difference but it makes me feel better. It's not that I miss home so much, it's just that I miss social interaction and knowing things. I wander round in a little bubble, occasionally understanding a little bit of Spanish here and there. It gets tiring having to make so much effort with conversations and making sure I speak really clearly. I'm so lucky to have got a good family and to be living in a beautiful place but a little bit of me would love to be getting on a plane home in a couple of days. This is also what worries me about the job in September. I like my home comforts, I'm a home bird. Why am I finding it so hard to make a decision?! Until last weekend I was sorted, I knew I wanted to do it, I was excited... Now I'm a bit like... Nothing. Maybe I need to just book my flights and get it over with. I might have a look now and just go for it.. but then maybe I should wait a bit. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I got an email the other day telling me my dissertation results would be up by next Friday. SCARY. I really, really hope I did okay. I tried hard with it, I'll be so disappointed if I don't get a good mark. I don't know when my other marks will come. It's such a weird feeling just waiting. Someone out there will probably know how I've done.

I've been here a week and 2 days. Why do I already want to go home? This is what I mean about trying to make myself be the kind of person who loves travelling etc when really, I just like my home comforts and familiarity. But when I get home, it won't be my home. My mum's moving so I'll be in a new house. How strange. At least my room is nice and in the attic so away from everyone.

I always thought I'd know what I want to do with my life but right now I'm a bit like... I'm an "adult" now, I need to make decisions but I have no idea what I want to do. None. Help me.

Kisses

p.s. yesterday afternoon I was sitting on the beach and this couple sat down next to me and practically started doing it. Gross. I had to get up and move. It wasn't even a quiet bit of the beach. Plus it reminded me just how single I am. Lovely.

Thursday 30 May 2013

Sun

I've just been sat on the terrace reading and had to come inside because it was TOO HOT! How good does that sound? After what felt like the longest winter, having some good weather has really cheered me up! I was sitting up there thinking "I'm glad I'm alone" as my sunglasses slipped down my sweaty nose. Sweaty sweaty. I still have the stupid heat rash though. I'm sat with a water bottle tucked under my chin to try and get rid of it. Gross.

The girls have their swimming lesson again today, so I'm hoping that means I'm free again once they go back to school at 3pm. I might try and get to the beach for a bit. Sunbathing tiiiime. If I don't go back to England with a tan I will class this trip as a failure. I NEED a tan. I want to look good for graduation. Thinking of graduation, I need a dress. I keep looking in the shop windows in the town and they have some nice things, but I checked out the price of one dress and it was over 250 euros. I don't have that kind of money! I can sense a panicked shopping trip on my way home from the airport. 3 days before graduation, is that cutting it a bit fine?

Last night, I'd been doing some English with the older girl and we were making necklaces with some shells we got on the beach and the mum came in, asked the girl something then went mental at her. I thought maybe she was angry we were doing crafty stuff so quickly tidied up while the girl screamed and cried. It went on for about 5 minutes and I just sat there like... Whaaat? Turns out the girl had left some important work at school so couldn't revise for a test. Bit of an overreaction by the mum I thought, but hey, it's not my place to judge.

As if it's Thursday already! I've now been here over a week. 7 and a half weeks to go... A long time? I hope not. I forgot there was markets in the town today but now I don't have time to go before I pick up the children at 1. Next week maybe. This weekend there is some kind of festival in the town. Corpus Christi or something. Apparently they make like giant rugs of flower petals. Someone said something about having to get up at 7am on Sunday for the children to prepare their rug. I hope I'm not included in this. I should get weekends off, but I don't want to presume. I work so little, I feel like I should still make an effort at the weekend, but really, all I want to do is go and lay on the beach all day. I joined some meet up group on the internet and they're having a picnic on the beach on Sunday, should I go? I hope they're not all older than me. I'm really craving some young people company.

I got my start date for the Barcelona job. 27th September. Do I do it? I really can't decide. I want to find out where they are placing me before I commit to it, but I'm not sure when that will be. My friend is moving to Barcelona too so I'm sure I'd have fun, it's just the money that I'm worried about the most. It's not like I have super rich parents to scrounge from or a bank full of savings. Hmmm.

I'm so hungry. I'm trying to be healthy. I would love to go back to England and people be like wooow have you seen how great she looks, all tanned and thin! I had a pear and a kiwi for breakfast, then its some kind of weird combination of veg and tuna for lunch. I only need to wait another hour and a half until I have lunch. Must not eat. So hungry thought! I'll probably pass out on the way to pick up the children.

They have another 3 weeks of school before they start their summer hollidays. I'm dreading it. I like the peace and quiet in the house. Plus I'll have to work more. Blahhh. I want to ask more about how much I have to work in the holidays and at weekends but I don't know how. Guess I'll have to wait and see.

I might nap until it's time to get the children. Try and forget about the hunger.

Kisses

Tuesday 28 May 2013

Me and Children Do Not Mix

Deciding to work with children would make you think I like them, right? Wrong. I have no patience with them. They wind me up, they're so clumsy, noisy, messy... Throw into the mix the inability to speak English and dealing with a 5 year old is not fun. Older children aren't so bad, but I can only pretend to be interested in what they're doing for so long. Then I start to zone out and daydream.

I have a beautiful little niece who is 4. I don't know if it's because she's family or because she's very well behaved but she is the only child I can cope with for long periods of time. Even then I am usually relieved when my brother comes to pick her up after a long day. I used to love children. Now not so much.

Today is another day of wondering why I'm here. The weather isn't great and I just wandered around this morning before picking the children up for lunch. It was the first day of me looking after them alone. It went ok, but I was glad to to drop them back off at school. I'm now free until 6.30/7pm as they have a swimming lesson after school and I learnt after last time I am better off not going. Not sure what to do with myself, is it bad to just sit and watch Eastenders? If it was sunny I'd go to the beach or in the pool but it's grey and windy.

I'm so up in the air with everything. Decisions decisions. I've contacted a few people doing the teaching programme I should be doing in September through Facebook (hello creepy stalker) so just waiting for them to reply. I don't want to rush into deciding anything. I've also contacted a copywriting business at home to see about arranging some work experience (super proactive) so I'll see what turns up. I'll finish my 8 weeks here, go home and see what occurs. I really want to see my friends, I haven't seen many since Easter so it'll be good to see them when I'm back in July. 3 more days until I can say "I go home next month". Why do I do this? I count down time and wish my life away far too much. I need to relax and enjoy now rather than think about whats next.

I need some sun. Then I'll be content spending my free time on the beach. Until then, bed and Eastenders it is.

Kisses

Monday 27 May 2013

General Life Musings

I went for a walk this morning and sat on one of the jetty things that goes out to sea, listening to music for nearly an hour. It was so peaceful and relaxing and I really had time to think about things. I'm slowly going off the idea of spending a year in Barcelona. It makes me feel sad that I was so excited about it and now I'm going the opposite way, but there is part of me that just wants to get back to England, figure out what it is that I want to do and get a job. I want to have a car and move out of my mum's and be able to do nice things, which I couldn't do while living in Spain with a host family, earning 40 euros a week. I know I won't go straight in to earning big money or anything, but it's more just that I want to get on with life. Deep down I know that what I want is a nice group of friends (which I already have but are now spread across the UK), a job that I enjoy, a little car to get about in and a nice, steady boyfriend. I sound so boring! But then I can't help what I am... I still want to do fun things, see new places etc and I still can, even when I'm working 9-5. I don't know. I'm so indecisive. I'll probably have changed my mind again by next week. I'm going to use my free time to research my options and see what emerges. There's not too much of a rush and I don't have to commit to anything yet.

My first "normal" day of au pairing went well today. I went for a walk and sat by the sea, stopped at a cafe for a drink, caught up on things on my laptop and spent time with the children. I took the older girl to the beach and I was supposed to be helping her practice her English but I'm not sure if we actually did much of that. More just making patterns in the sand, paddling and running around. I had fun though.

Before I came here I thought I'd want to meet people and go for nights out etc, but I'm pretty content just hanging around, having early nights and enjoying the peace and relaxation (seriously, where did the old me go?!). After the last year of uni and all the work I've done it feels so good to just stop and chill out for a bit. I'm trying to be extra healthy, lots of exercise, eating well, no alcohol... I'd love to go back to England tanned, fit and super healthy. I want to join a gym when I get home and really get into looking after myself. But I'll have to see. I seem to say a lot of things at the moment and not follow them through.

I realise my blog isn't really that exiting. It's not funny, full of crazy stories or lots of advice, but I guess one day it will help me to read it back and maybe anyone else in a similar position. I sound like such a loser, reflecting on life and planning the future, but being here alone is really making me think.

I'm having fun here though. 8 weeks doesn't seem too long anymore and I really like the family I'm working for. For anyone reading this who's thinking about au pairing - do it! Make sure you have a good family and go for it.

I'm off to watch Peter Andre: My Life now. How exciting am I?

Kisses

Sunday 26 May 2013

Weekend Away and Life Planning

My weekend in the Costa Brava was not what I expected. I naively had imagined a nice villa, sailing on a bit yacht while lounging in the sun and a long, luxurious meal served on a terrace by the sea... Instead we were staying at what I guess was like an outdoor pursuit center. Loads of children on a school trip, school dinner type food in a canteen and sailing was lots of people squashed into an unsteady looking boat. But overall it was alright.

On Saturday we arrived, had lunch, dumped our bags and headed off for "sailing". By this time it was FREEZING so I decided to stay on the shore and went with my host mum, her friend and the 2 youngest children. I had a hot chocolate (in Spain?! In May?!) and shivered away until they got back to shore. It chucked it down. And I mean REALLY chucked it down. It was like a monsoon. The children were grumpy, I was cold and one of the girls stood on my new, white converse with her sandy/muddy shoes :( We went to a bar for a drink and between 6 noisy children and 5 adults only speaking in Spanish I wondered why I was doing this. I could be at home doing nothing, choosing to do what I want, when I want and not having children around me 24/7. We went back to the place we were staying, showered and headed down for dinner (no vegetarian alternative so I ended up with greasy chips and a bit of salad...) before the adults cracked open the wine. They kept offering me more and for a moment I was tempted to down a bottle and get really drunk. But that would make me a bad au pair so refrained. One of the other dads got me a gin and tonic though and it was SO strong. After that I decided no more alcohol because I would definitely have got drunk. Before dinner, the English guy who is married to (or just "with") one of the family's friends arrived and we had an awkward conversation. He's lived in Spain 7 years and still can't speak the language. Crazy! Because we were both English we were basically left to make awkward conversation all night. He was nice, but there's only so much a 22 year old and a 40 or 50 something year old can talk about. I asked why he moved to Spain and that opened the can of worms about a messy divorce and England being a "dark" place for him. I just kind of sat there thinking about how unsympathetic I am and hoping he would change to a happier subject. Awkward. And yes I realised I used awkward three times in a few sentences describing our encounter, but that's what it was.

Today we went to the beach and they all went kayaking and paddling round on these ring things. I'd have done it, but no one told me that this weekend was like an adventure activity kind of thing and when they had told me to bring swimming stuff I was imagining laying on a yacht in the middle of the sea so brought a skimpy bikini... Not suitable for water sports. I told them I had a fear of canoes (what?) and sat on the beach with the mums and little children. I listened to my ipod and ignored everyone. Hello grumpy au pair. We headed back for lunch and more awkward conversation with Mr England. No one tells me what's going on and we'll all just be sat down, then everyone suddenly gets up and starts gathering their bags or something and I just have to pretend I totally know whats happening and join in... I think they forget they have to tell me but it makes me look a bit stupid!

I basically was a rubbish au pair this weekend. I get weekends off so I didn't know if I should be playing with the kids of hanging with the adults. I went to sit with the children to eat and was told to join the adults, but then I was worrying they were all whispering about how bad I was when I wasn't running round getting hot and sweaty chasing after a bouncy ball. We got back "home" at about 6.30 this evening and I made an effort with the older girl and showed her some photo's of my pets and friends at home (quickly skipping past the many drunken/badly behaved photo's on my phone...) and then played battleships before tea. It was quite nice actually and I'm starting to feel a bit more at home. Maybe 8 weeks isn't that long after all (must remember this next time I'm feeling grumpy!) and I'm sure it will fly by.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about working in Spain from September and I'm not sure it's what I want to do. It's working 25 hours a week, living with a host family and getting paid a "living allowance" of around 40 euros a week... They say they help you set up private English classes and can earn around another 200 euros a week but I'm not sure how likely that actually is. I don't want to be living with strangers, earning nothing and being grumpy. I'm starting to feel ready to get a job in the "real" world. But then this might change tomorrow, I seem so changeable at the moment. It's good to finally have time to think about what I want to do, hopefully by the time I go back to England I might have a bit more of a plan. From being 4 years old your life is planned out. Primary school > secondary school > sixth form > university. Then you hit 21 (22 in my case) and it's just like seeeeya work it out for yourself. I have a lot to think about, but luckily a lot of time to fill.

My plan for the week is to make more effort with the children (the family are so good to me, I need to make an effort for them!), explore the town a bit more, work out the washing machine and buy a belt. I brought one of my favourite dresses with me but it needs a belt and I forgot mine. I definitely checked round my room before I left looking for it and couldn't see it so I was convinced it was in my suitcase. Where do I buy a belt in a posh, tourist town? Everywhere is either gift shops or exclusive looking boutiques. Hmmm.

Apparently the weather isn't going to be great so no tanning for a few days. Probably a good thing. I've got a gross heat rash across my chest. I don't know where from because I spent most of the weekend shivering, but it's there and I hate it. I once got it really badly in Romania and it took ages to go. People keep asking if I'm burnt and I'm like I know I'm English, but even English people can't burn when there's barely any sun!

Fingers crosses it will go down overnight...

Kisses

p.s. There was a guy there this weekend called Juanca. Everyone pronounced his name wanker. Oblivious to what that means for me. I laughed to myself every time someone said it...

Friday 24 May 2013

Day Two

After yesterdays self pitying and miserable post I thought I'd update with a more positive one.

My afternoon was better, although when we took the little girl to her swimming lesson all the other Spanish mums looked at me, asked my host mum if I could speak Spanish and then laughed when she said no. They obviously thought I couldn't understand any of what they are saying and although my Spanish is bad, I do understand bits so I knew they were talking about me!

I had an early dinner with the girl (overcooked green beans urghhh but with calamares which I loove) and got into bed early enough to watch FRIENDS on my laptop and catch up with a few friends at home. I slept really well and woke up this morning to take the little girl to school. I went for a walk down to the sea front and had a chocolate croissant for desayuno.
I got a bit lost on the way home but it was nice to explore a bit. Now I'm free until 12.30 when we are going to pick up the girl for lunch.

I would kind of prefer it if the mum worked. I thought it would be easier as I'm not actually in charge of the children, but I feel like I'm just hovering around a lot of the time. I guess that will get easier as time goes by though.

My internet died for a bit so I went and sat on the terrace for like 10 minutes and felt myself starting to burn. I love the sun but I wish I didn't have to worry about burning! I'm back in my room now, contemplating a nap before lunch. Such a hard life...

I hope this weekend away is okay. I have to share a room with the family which is weird. But then I can't complain because they've invited me. I could have stayed at their house but I feel like I have to make extra effort for the first couple of weeks.

I feel better now I'm back to my more positive self. I have a feeling there will be lots of up and down posts while I'm here. I'm hoping for mostly up though!

Kisses

Thursday 23 May 2013

Spain

I'm here!

I arrived yesterday evening and the family picked me up from the airport. It wasn't as awkward as I had imagined and we drove back to their town chatting and getting to know each other. They showed me round the house which is soo nice and I have my own room and bathroom. We went for a walk round the town and had an ice cream, then came home for dinner. I was up at about half 8 this morning and did a bit of school work with the girl and then went in the pool for a bit. I've just had lunch and now I'm free until 5pm.

All's good so far but I have a feeling 8 weeks is going to seem very long. I think I try to kid myself that I can "do" being abroad and away from home but I don't think I can. There's a bit of me that thinks forget the job in Spain in September and get a job and get on with life. But then I don't want to throw away my opportunity. Maybe it's just because I'm not settled yet, tired and feeling a bit down. I don't know. I just am finding it so tiring being chatty, smiley and enthusiastic. They keep asking if I'm tired because I'm quiet. But when it comes down to it I am quiet. I like my own company and my home comforts. How boring is this making me sound? There's a bit of me that looks at my friends who have a decent job, a nice boyfriend, a flat, a social life... and I want it. I think going abroad is my way of running away from the fact that that's what I want. I try to mold myself into this person that I'm not. I'm not insecure, far from that really. I'm probably one of the only ones in my friendship group that's comfortable with who they are but in my mind sometimes I'm not quite the person I actually am if that makes sense? I'm a home bird. I read blogs and hear my friends talk about incredible times abroad and I love the idea, but when it comes down to it, I'm just not sure if it's "me".

Maybe I'm just a bit homesick and it'll feel better once I'm more settled? I can't help myself looking at the planes in the sky thinking "that will be me in 58 days. One night down, fifty eight to go.

How miserable does this make me sound? I should be happy. I'm with a lovely family, in an amazing place. I'm getting paid to do very little work and I can spend my free time tanning on the beach and exploring the town. I can get into Barcelona in 30 minutes and it looks like there's a lot going on. I need to find some friends. If I knew I was going to meet up with some people my age this evening for drinks I think I would be happier. I've been in touch with a couple of au pairs nearby but they live out of the town so seeing them would mean some proper arranging, not just like grabbing a drink at the local bar. Who unleashed the negative side of me that I keep locked away? And why? I should be loving this and making the most of every opportunity. Why am I missing rainy England? I know if I was one of my friends and I was stuck in England I would be SO jealous. I'm going to the Costa Brava this weekend with the family. They're going sailing and windsurfing. I need to stop being moany and just enjoy this for what it is.

I meet the other girl I'm working with tomorrow. She's a little older and will hopefully speak more English which might make it easier. Hmmm.

I need to do as Yorkshire folk would say to me and "cheer up chuck"... I'm having a nap now and hoping I wake up in a better mood. I feel like a miserable teenager. What is wrong with me.

Kisses

Tuesday 21 May 2013

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day I fly off to Spain and hopefully start my summer of Spanish fun!

To be honest, right now I'm a bit unexcited (is that a word?) about it. I'm so tired and getting ready feels like a bit of a chore. I wish I was more excited. But then when I talk about it I feel more excited and when I think about getting to the airport... I'm just dreading meeting the family and reallyyyy hope that they're nice!

I'm spending the day finishing off last bits, updating my ipod, packing and making sure I'm all ready. I can only take 15kg of luggage with me which I'm finding hard! I've pretty much finished packing my room for when my mum moves house as well. I have a horrible feeling my mum will find something when she's moving all my stuff. I don't know what. I don't really have anything top secret in my room and anything even remotely like that is neatly packed away. It just reminds me of a time she found a letter that reallyyyy shouldn't have been seen by her. She didn't say anything, just put it on my bed so I know she'd seen it. Oops.

I'm leaving about 11am tomorrow, calling at my uni house to pick up the last couple of bits that I couldn't fit in my dads car and then heading to the airport. My flight isn't until 3.15pm but I want to have time to check in without rushing and hopefully a quick lunch with my mum somewhere on the way. Then I have to deal with the flight. I hate it. I just need to remember to breatheeee.

I'm a bit sad to be going. I went for dinner and a few drinks with a couple of friends last night and it was so nice. One of them I've known since I was about 3, but I don't really remember that far back and moved up north for a bit so lost touch. The other I've known since I moved back to the city when I was about 10. Me, those two and one other girl call ourselves the "spinsters". We're all single and have been for a long time. We joke that we'll all be single for ever and laugh, but then the laughter turns a bit hysterical when we realise that it isn't too out there for it to come true. It'll be us four living in a house with 100 cats when we're OAP's. I know I shouldn't, but I keep having mini panics about the future. I would HATE to get to my mid thirties, still be living at home or in a rubbish little flat, bumming around doing jobs I hate and still single while all my friends get married and have children. In my mind, I want to be in my chosen career (teaching??), have a steady boyfriend/fiance, a house and be thinking about having children by the time I'm 28-30. Will that happen? WILL IT? Please tell me it will. What if it doesn't? What if I'm just that family member who is always alone and never takes a plus one to weddings etc. My friends will try but fail to set me up with their equally desperate friends. My friends will have to take it in turns to have me round for Christmas dinner. I'll holiday alone (this is already starting to happen. Help) and my mum will get sick of me lingering around all the time. I seriously hope this isn't the case, but I should start to prepare myself. I've got 6 years to decide what I want to do, pin down a man, get proposed to and have bought a house. Possible? Probably not with the way things are going. I'm not known for making the best decisions.

On the subject of bad decisions, I can feel a bad one creeping in. It's to do with a guy (snore) and I really shouldn't like him, but that feeling in the pit of my stomach is there and I don't want to admit it but maybe I do. Why do I always pick the wrong ones? Hopefully as soon as I leave English soil my thoughts will go and I'll forget about him... Or maybe not. Maybe I only like him because I've been single for a while and I'm flattered by the interest? How do some of my friends have it so easy? One lovely boyfriend to the next. I get complication, idiots and losers. Woo. I guess every group of friends has to have the token single one.

On the plus side, if I did have a boyfriend I wouldn't be able to fly off to spend months in Spain. When I think about it, I don't really want one but when me and my fellow spinsters get together I always walk away thinking OMG I need to sort my life out.

This time in 24 hours I'll be in the airport. Probably frantically putting on 100's of layers because my suitcase is too heavy and panicking in the corner about the flight. Breathe. 

Time to finish packing. I would actually pay someone to come and do it for me right now.

Kisses

Saturday 18 May 2013

Ticking Time

Uni life is now totally over. I moved home on Thursday. I feel like I should have been sadder, but as I left it just felt like I was going home for a few weeks or something. I said goodbye to my housemates and drove off down the road with my dad. Three years and a lot of good times later, it's all finished. I think it'll hit me in the summer when I'm home from Spain for a bit. I already don't feel like I can lounge around in bed all day like I did at uni. I have to get up and do stuff.

I feel like I've got a countdown timer ticking away the time until Spain. I really am looking forward to it, but I wish I had a bit more time. Thursday night my friend stayed over, yesterday I took her to get her tattoo, went shopping, had another friend over for dinner, today I'm sorting things out for moving house/Spain, maybe seeing a friend later, seeing my dad tomorrow, seeing friends and going out Monday, Tuesday will be last minute packing/being hungover and I go Wednesday. I just want a full day of doing nothing :( But I guess I'd rather be doing this and rushing around before going away, than not going away at all.

I'm in one of those situations, you know where you agree to something and then wish you hadn't? It's like that and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to let the person down, but I don't thinks it's really the best idea... I'm too nice to be mean and back out, but at the same time the thought of doing it makes me so scared. Ahhhh. What to do. It isn't me thinking about backing out of Spain by the way, it's something tonight/tomorrow. And now I'm one of those annoying people who speaks all cryptically. HELP.

I'm off to have lunch and mull over my options. Why am I so bad with situations like this. It should be simple.

Kisses

Wednesday 15 May 2013

It's over

Uni is officially over. I'm not sure how to feel about it really. I thought I'd be really happy and excited but I'm actually quite sad about it. I went out last night with my work friends, one of my housemates and her friend. We went for food (I had a chicken burger. I haven't eaten meat since January) then some cocktails and on to this bar which is like our usual Tuesday night place. It was nice. I saw a couple of other course friends and almost got emotional saying goodbye (I never cry, so this is a big thing for me!). I've spent the last 3 years with these people and realistically, I won't ever see a lot of them again. Student life is over. I can't bum around getting student loans, staying in bed all day, having crazy nights out and panic write essays any more. I have to be responsible and go and look after children in Spain and then at some point get a "proper" job.

I've loved uni life. As much as I've complained about things, I have really loved it. First year, living in halls with crazy people, having flat parties, sleepovers in the living room, really random nights out.. One night we just stayed in and played ring of fire and I ended up with a can of beer poured over my head, ate a whole bag of cheesy Doritos and had to listen to this weird guys creepy baby laugh ringtone. I loved nights out where we ended up somewhere totally random like a girls flat where we let her kitten out and we were running round trying to catch it, drinking champagne, cruising round the city in a girl I'd never met's car and my housemate being sick in her hand. One night we all went out and me and one of my housemates got separated from the others, stalked a stranger and followed him into a 24 hour gym, spoke to some freshers for aaages, I "borrowed" someones crutches and then climbed up a cherry picker/crane. We've had nights where we're driven to the 24 hour krispy kreme shop 20 minutes up the motorway, midnight trips to Asda for hair dye and stayed up eating spaghetti hoops at 4am before an exam the next day. I got a job in second year and met some people I know will be friends for life. We got drunk before work and had to serve sweaty moshers until the early hours of the morning, got so drunk at the work Christmas party and left the club, queued for an hour for a taxi by myself and contemplated being sick in my Santa hat. I went for a night out where I work that ended in me getting so drunk, making a fool of myself in front of all the people I work with and left in tears, walked all the way home at 4am and fell out with my friend from work. I've had to run out of a lecture, after making everyone in the row of seats move to let me out because I've been so hungover and had to run off in the middle of serving a customer to be sick. I am a classy girl.

I'm moving out of my house tomorrow and that's it. No more uni. I can't believe how fast it's come round. Now that it's over I'm already wishing I'd done more with my time. It's been the best 3 years of my life though.

York yesterday was a lot of fun. I met up with my best friend who I've known since I was 4. When we're together we revert back to being children and it's so much fun. She gave me my birthday/going away present and I opened it when I got home and it was a box full of loads of little things like some jewellery, hair stuff, make up, snacks, a little journal and a card. I almost cried a bit. And like I said before, I never cry. Emotional day! I got my converse too so it was a good day all round.

I'm still in bed now. I should get up and finish packing and go and buy some food. But I'm so comfy and it's my last day in a student house so I'm making the most of it!

Kisses

Monday 13 May 2013

I'm free (part 2)

So. My first day of being "free" and I'm just sitting in bed. I don't know what to do with myself at all. I feel like I should be doing an essay or at least thinking about it... I just thought I'd have this massive feeling of relief and excitement but I don't. I really, really just want to go home but I've promised I'll stay to go out for a meal tomorrow evening so I can't go home until Wednesday.

I'm going to York tomorrow though to meet up with my best friend. It's the last time I'll see her until I get back from Spain in August. I wish I actually had money to spend though. I want to buy some converse, so that's £40, the train is £7.50 and then I need to buy lunch etc and then go out for a meal tomorrow night. Expensive day. Plus I currently have £18 in my bank. Hmmm. I really don't want to have to ask my parents for money. I'm 22, I shouldn't still be relying on them. It really annoys me that a lot of my friends say they're all independent etc but still rely on parents to pay their rent or bail them out when they've spent all their money on nights out. If your parents can/want to help then fine, but 1, don't bang on about it all the time and 2, don't pretend that you're an adult and can handle your finances etc when you can't control your spending and have to run back to them at the end of each month. I'm not saying I'm great with money, I'm really not, but I try to make sure the important things are paid and usually the things I can't afford at the end of the month are just the things that I want, don't need. I have a bit of money saved, but I'm hoping I won't have to spend this while I'm in Spain as I'll be getting paid for au pairing. I do need to find the money to buy a graduation dress at some point though. We get our house deposit back at some point over the summer so at least I have that to look forward to.

I keep imagining the day I go to Spain. I'll be fine until my mum leaves me at the airport and then I'll get nervous. I don't like flying and then when I get off the plane, I'm going to have the awkward hunt around the airport for my host family, then the awkward meeting, then the awkward car journey home, then the awkward evening, then the awkward breakfast the next day... I don't cope well with awkward. At all. When will it become normal? After a day, a week, a month? What if they expect me to speak Spanish? I can't. What if they want me to do things I can't do? What if they're mean to me? There's a little bit of me thinking I should have stayed in England and bummed around for the summer before I move to Spain in September.. But then I guess I'd have been bored, poor and the weather will probably be bad. I'm just hoping it all goes smoothly, I fit in with them well, I meet other young people to hang out with (how do I do this? Hang around other young people and hope they'll talk to me??) and enjoy the summer. One week and 2 days. How fast has that come round? I started my blog not even sure if/when I was going to get an au pair job and now I'm so close to actually going. Crazy!

I've been offered the chance to go back to Romania in August as well. I'm not sure if my dad will let me go back after last time (can he stop me? I'm 22...) and if it's even a good idea. I might just see how I feel after Spain and think about going out for a week or 2.

What should I do today? All I need to do is pack my last few bits and finish off cleaning the kitchen. Everyone else still have assignments and exams to do so I'm just floating around on my own. I should go into uni and pay my library fine, but can I be bothered to walk alllll the way in just for that? Probably not. I might just watch loads of films. Actually, I've watched nearly every episode of Teachers, maybe I should watch the last few before I leave uni. My life better get more exciting than this. Last semester was good, lots of going out and excitement. This semester has been full of stress and planning. People reading my blog (if there is anyone? Even just one reader...) must think I am so dull. I might write my Romania post today, add a bit of excitement.

Hmmm. What to do, what to do.

Kisses.

Sunday 12 May 2013

I'M FINISHED

I'VE FINISHED UNI!

After getting up at 7.30am after not enough sleep (work, then drunk housemates woke me up...) I got up to go to an event in town to take photos to add to my portfolio website. When I got home I had a final read of my essay, added my pictures to the site and submitted it all. Finished. I thought I'd be more excited than this, but I just don't know what to do with myself. I spent the rest of the day restlessly lounging in bed, packing to move out and cleaning. I'm so ready to go home but I've got to wait until Wednesday. Then I have exactly a week until Spain!

Insanely tired now though, so that's all for tonight. Cannot wait to go to sleep. Shower, then catch up on The Voice and then bed. Zzzzzzzz.

Kisses

Friday 10 May 2013

Am I done?

I've blogged a lot recently. Bit sad really because I don't think anyone actually reads this...

I think I'm done with my uni work. Everything is submitted except one last STUPID essay. I keep reading it thinking I should change bits, but I really don't know what I could change. I'm going to have one last look at it tomorrow and then just submit it. Freedom!

I just want to go home now. I'm supposed to stay until Tuesday and go out for a last night out, then go home on Wednesday which I'm sure will be fun.. but I really want to go now. I'm working tomorrow night and then seeing some old housemates on Sunday so I can't go till Monday, and by then I might as well stay. I know when I get home I'll be complaining that I'm bored, but I just want to be back there and relax for a bit before Spain.

I have to work tonight. We're supposed to work every Friday night if we want any shifts during the week but I've managed to avoid it for weeks. It's so not my kind of thing. Loads of sweaty moshers dancing to heavy metal rock. So not my kind of thing. I've even agreed to start at 8pm instead of 11, which means moving round loads of tables and chairs by myself for 2 hours. Yay. I only have tonight and tomorrow night at work and then I'm finished! I feel like I should be sad, but right now I'm really not.

Wish I had more interesting things to blog about. If anyone is actually reading this, I promise to try and be more interesting once I get to Spain! In my mind it's going to be amazing, I'm going to love the family, meet loads of amazing people, do lots of cool things... but in reality I might hate it. I guess there's no way of knowing until I get there though. Last years summer plans all turned out to be a bit of a disaster. I went away three times. One time I fell out with my friend after leaving her in a Spanish hotel with an American man and no shoes, another I ended up in the only rainy bit of Spain, left early and went to Barcelona and got insanely burnt and then left Romania half way through my time there after nearly getting attacked by a Romanian man with chains and a baseball bat in our apartment. So altogether not great. I just don't want that to happen again. Hoping for some good luck this time.

Better get ready for work now. Preparing myself for a long night of awful music. Earplugs will definitely be coming out tonight.

Kisses

Thursday 9 May 2013

So close but so far

I'm so close to finishing my uni work. SO CLOSE. But finishing things off is harder than I thought it would be. It's more that I can't find the motivation to do it (no change there then..) which is stupid. The motivation should be finishing uni. Really, I could have my work finished and submitted tonight. Then that would be it. No more uni. But I just can't make myself do it. And I find it hard to know when I'm finished, I could keep editing more and more until I run out of time. I have an essay to edit, a curation piece to finish, my portfolio to finalise and then I'm done. Not a lot at all. But right now all I can think about is going to buy milkybar buttons from the shop. But I won't. I managed to pretty much inhale a big bar of dairy milk the other night and I can't let it happen again.

I've pretty much waved goodbye to my beach body. My willpower is 0. Looks like I'll be spending my summer in some kind of old lady kaftan, hiding in the shadows on the beach. I had such good intentions. How will I find Jose or Pablo (my Spanish husband-to-be)  if I look like a beached whale. Ok I'm not quite at whale point, but I'm not ready to strut down the beach like some kind of movie star. I'm thinking about getting a spray tan before I go. But then the depressing thing is I will probably leave England more tanned than I will be when I come home after 8 weeks in the sun.

8 weeks. I'm starting to feel like that's quite a long time. I've been away for 5 weeks before but even when I'm at uni I go home every three or four weeks for a few days. I guess I need to get used to it though, when I leave in September I won't be home again till Christmas and after that, it will probably be Easter or the summer. Hopefully I'll be having too much fun to notice.

Grumpy grumpy. I'm going to sit and try and do some work now. I'm so sleepy. I've been at work today and walked home in the rain and got wet feet. All I want to do is eat chocolate and watch some rubbish TV.

5 days to go...

Kisses

p.s. I got my hair cut. It wasn't too much of a disaster. I quite like it actually. If anything I'd have liked it a bit shorter but I couldn't bring myself to ask them..

Wednesday 8 May 2013

Haircuts and curb crawling

I'm going to get my hair cut today. I find it a stressful event and always come out with my hair not quite right. I'm not good at asking them to change it once it's finished, or making awkward conversation for an hour. This is how I ended up bright blonde one day when all I'd asked for was a few highlights. I just want an inch or so off the length and my side fringe cutting back in. It's easy to think what I want, but when they start suggesting things I just mumble and agree. Last time I ended up with half my hair cut off and nearly had a breakdown (although I did end up quite liking it..).

I've got a cough and I'm feeling miserable. It's one of those ones where when you start, you can't stop. I was coughing away in bed last night and had a horrible feeling I wouldn't sleep at all. I rang my mum for sympathy but she was too busy gardening to take much notice. As her only daughter I think she should have driven to see me with medical supplies and chocolate, but apparently she was too busy to drive an hour up the motorway for me.

I'd just got in to bed last night, feeling grumpy and eating a giant bar of chocolate when my older brother rang asking me to do him a "favor". His fiance had put her really important uni work on top of her car, got in and driven off without realising. It wasn't till she got home (to my home city, an hour away) that she realised and then had a panic as she didn't have another copy of any of it. So this little "favor" involved getting out of bed, getting dressed, walking for 20 minutes and searching the roads for this work. Great. Luckily my housemate said she'd drive and the other one came to help look. We basically curb crawled around looking for it, getting out and wandering round side streets looking like burglars. I was just waiting for someone to call the police on us or something. Just after we'd given up, we were driving down the road and there it was! Right in the middle of the road and it had definitely been run over a lot. We got out and ran around the main road picking it all up. We looked crazy.

As if that wasn't weird enough, we stopped off outside some guys we know's house, jumped out the car, took a picture of us right next to the door and sent it to them on snapchat (if you don't know what this is, you're missing out. Basically you take a pic, send it to anyone on your contacts list and it lasts for a few seconds, then it's gone forever), jumped back in the car, sent it to them and then watched them looking out the window and opening the door. Lots of fun. We are very weird. But I like it!

That's my excitement done. After the hairdressers I'm back to doing work.

BUT

THIS TIME IN TWO WEEKS I'LL BE GETTING READY TO GO TO THE AIRPORT

Exciting.

Kisses

Tuesday 7 May 2013

Money

I just had the horrible task of checking my bank balance. I knew there wasn't going to be a lot.. but I literally have hardly anything. By the time I've paid my last lot of bills for the house I have nothing. Where does it all go? Why can't I control my spending? I don't even feel like I've spent much. I have worked quite a bit, but they're such short shifts I don't actually end up with much at all. Rubbish. There goes my plans of having my eyelashes tinted, buying some new shoes, replacing my laptop battery...

Oh no. I just remembered I have a hair cut booked for tomorrow. And no money to pay for it. You'd think after 3 years of living away from home I'd have learnt to budget a bit better. Maybe my parents will shower me with money for a graduation present. Probably not but I can imagine it for now.

I really wanted to buy some converse as well.

I've got my practical session for one of my modules today. It's worth 50 or 60% of the module so I need to do well. I'm being a "presenter". Don't know why, I hate being in front of the camera. I don't know what to wear either. Or what I'm supposed to say. But after this I only have 2 modules left to finish off. I think one of them is done but my tutor won't email back to confirm something and wants me to go in on Thursday, but I'm working. Stress. If I've got it right, then fine. If I've got it wrong then I'll lose too many marks. Why is it so hard :( Plus I'm over the word count. I'm getting to the point where I don't even care.

ONE WEEK TODAY UNTIL UNI IS FINISHED!

Kisses

Sunday 5 May 2013

Boredom, tiredness and hunger

So I should be writing my essay right now and instead I'm writing on here and thinking about what food to buy from the shop. I'm so hungry. A mini tin of beans was not a satisfying way to start my morning. I'm really craving fish and chips but is half 12 too early for them? Maybe I should wait till tea time. I'm really hungry now though. I want chocolate too but I have a bit of an issue with it. I don't have any self control and a big bag of malteasers can be gone in minutes. I'm not even joking, it's like I inhale them.

I'm blaming this mornings hunger on after work drinks last night. Alcohol always makes me so hungry the next day. I didn't even plan to stay, but free drinks after a long shift, how could I say no? Kind of regretted my decision after the first drink though. My usual work friends weren't there. We're the losers who stick together and hardly talk to the others. But we were part of the "original" lot and then the newbies started last September and we never really joined with them. There's one girl who's only young (18) and it's so obvious. Last night she was telling everyone about how she was going home (to halls) to "watch a film" with some guy. She made no secret of the fact they would be "watching a film" winky winky. She then went on to say stupid things like she doesn't have to find someone attractive to "get with them". I just sat there and cringed for her. In a couple of years she'll realise how naive and a bit trampy that makes her seem. Why would you sit there and tell our nice, but much older male manager that? It's not cool. No one was impressed. It doesn't sound so bad written down but she is so much of a "fresher" it's embarrassing. I don't care if you "got sooo drunk last night OMG I don't remember anything except getting with 5 guys lmao hahaha". Do it if you want but it's not making you seem super cool talking about it. I'm not sure if she, or the medical student who thinks she's perfect is the most annoying. Shut up and go away. I sat there looking miserable until someone agreed to get a taxi home with me. I got a free hoody though. Not that I will wear it anywhere other than my house, but still, freebies are always good.

I'm off to the shop now, going to try and control my spending and tryyy and not buy a mountain of crisps and chocolate.

I'm back. I was good and the only naughty thing I bought was 2 small packets of crisps and I've managed not to eat them yet. I'm going to the library soon though and that always means library snacks. Today I'm thinking skittles. My essay is nearly done (whether it's right or not, I have no idea, but it's nearly long enough) and my other bits of work are coming along well. Hopefully I can hand it all in by Friday and then I'm free! One more shift at work on Friday night and I'm hoping one of my parents will pick me up on Sunday. They might make me wait until next week though which isn't ideal, I've got a lot to do at home so sooner would be better. I'm a bit sad about finishing now, but at least I've got exciting things to look forward to. Really really going to miss my home friends though :( They all get back for summer after I've left for Spain and then most are away through August so that will only leave a few weeks to see them before Spain in September. Hmmm. Hopefully I'll have lots of visitors when I'm out there though.

Right, off to the library now. It's so warm outside, I got a bit sweaty walking to the shop. Not the idea day for library time. Nearly done, nearly done, nearly done. Need to keep remembering that!

Kisses

Saturday 4 May 2013

Hardcore no more

So it's 1.19am. I'm sitting in bed, a little bit drunk with a bowl of supernoodles. My housemates are still out enjoying the night and I'm in bed. What is wrong with me? I used to love going out and I'd roll in as my parents were leaving for work. Now, it gets past midnight and I'm looking at the clock wondering when I can call the taxi.

I've just had the weirdest taxi driver. He started off all shouty and unfriendly and ended up looking like Santa Claus and telling me to enjoy life because it's too short. I don't know if it was juts my alcohol induced paranoia or what, but I really thought he was going to kidnap me. I even text my friends with his details in case they never heard from me again. But I got home, alive and well. I putt my uggs on and went in search of chips. The fish and chip shop that claims it is open until 4am definitely isn't. Very disapointed noodle eating is happening right now.

In other news, my friend is going interrailing this summer and is planning a stop in Barcelona to see me. I'm hoping to get the weekend off and go to the south of France with her, but that all depends on money. Which I don't have. Tonight has cost me about £15 and all I did was have a few vodkas before I left my house, a lime and soda in the bar and 2 taxis. How rubbish is that! I didn't even want to go out in the first place but it was my housemates "pretend" birthday. We're all back home by the time it's her real bday so we brought it forward by a month or 2.

I am so boring. Why was bed more appealing then a club? Maybe because I was up at 8am, or maybe just because I'm getting old.

Kisses

Thursday 2 May 2013

The sun is out!

So I'm still struggling with my essay. I'm now 1,896 words into a 3,000 word essay. I thinkkk I know where I'm going with it now but I'm not sure. Really really want a draft done by the end of the day, but drinks in a beer garden are so much more tempting! My housemate and I decided we'll have a break at 2pm to go for a (non-alcoholic!) drink at the pub, before coming back and doing more work. Going to dig out the sunglasses now!

More excitingly, this time in 3 weeks I'll be in Spain! YES! Finally. (That also means less than 2 weeks until uni is finished but I won't talk about that now... OMG). My new favorite way to procrastinate is to search the internet for fun things to do, places to go etc in the town I'll be staying in. I CAN'T WAIT! It looks like such a cool place. I was looking at some of the clubs and some don't open until 3am. WHAT?! Usually by half 1 I'm getting sleepy and thinking about home. Seriously going to have to start training myself to stay up late. So so excited. I'm really looking forward to meeting the family as well, just still hoping we get along!

I got and email from a summer camp in Spain asking if I'd like to work for them for a few weeks in August which would suit me really well. Only problem is the flights are crazy expensive. I'm going to email and see if they cover the cost. Doubt it, but worth a try!

The sun, the fact I'm so close to finishing uni and going to Spain and life being good in general = a happy me!

Currently listening to this old favorite:


I LOVE SUMMER!

Kisses