4 days

From 23 days, to 3 days and 4 hours 'till France. Someone remind me why I'm doing this? My love of children? NOPE. My lifelong desire to live in France? NOPE. To practice my French skills? NOPE NOPE NOPE.

I currently have a suitcase full of bags of vacuum packed stuff, next to a massive pile of unpacked stuff. I'm going to have to take two suitcases. Crazy bag lady? I'm stressing. I have loads to do before I go and the biggest problem... I don't know if I even want to go. It's a ten months. Nearly a whole year. Do I want to be away for that long? Sure, I'll come home in between, but only for like a few days at a time. I was out in the countryside today thinking how much I love England. So why am I going?

I have a bit of a fear. I know it's a bit stupid, but in my head it's not. When I was in Romania there was an event. Not a good one. We were staying in an apartment and to cut a long story short, one day we angered a neighbour who went CRAZY. I mean like literally knocking the door down crazy. It ended in a fight with chains, a baseball bat and lots of blood (thankfully not any of mine!). Luckily, I was with 5 other girls and we contacted a Romanian friend to call the police for us, but what if it happens again. This time I'll be on my own. I love the idea of having my own place, but I know I'll be on edge for a while.

And my next issue. Once I leave, I don't really have anywhere to come back to. Basically, my brother moved out earlier this year, saying he never planned to live at home again. My mum moved house, somewhere with no spare room for little bro to come back to. Little bro's circumstances changed and he moved home and since I got home from Spain, the living room has been his bedroom. When I leave, he gets my room. All fine, till I want to come home. And then I don't have anywhere to come "home" to. My mum said I'll always have a place here, but I don't count camping out in the living room a place. Sorry if that sounds ungreatful, but really, would you want to sleep in a room that's not really a bedroom, knowing you're stopping everyone else from being able to lounge on the sofa and watch TV etc?

I still need to buy gifts for the family, a birthday present for my niece who turns 5 just after I leave, finish packing, "pack" my room so my little brother can move into it, see my friends and mentally prepare myself. Last night I couldn't sleep. My heart was beating too fast and I was over thinking this whole situation way too much. Is that a sign that it's a mistake? It's too late to back out now. 4 more sleeps.

Grumpy grumps.

Kisses

A Plan?

Okay. I may have come up with a plan. Although maybe not. But at the moment, the plan is...

Go home in July, find a bar job or something easy like that, and do a TELF course. Save save save until after xmas and then look into English teaching jobs in Valencia or somewhere else in Spain.

As sad as it is, the more I think about the job in Barcelona, the more I think it isn't right for me. I don't think I could live with a host family for a year. The family I'm living with now are so nice and I'm free to do what I want, but I couldn't do it for a long time. I need my freedom and independence. The worst thing is having to tell everyone that actually, I'm not moving to Spain in September. I'll have to deal with all the questions and sympathetic "Oh but you were SO excited..." comments. Yes, I know I was, but things change.

Is this new plan a good idea? Or do I still want to just stay at home and get on with life? SOMEONE HELP ME DECIDE!

I need to speak to my mum or dad. They usually help. But my mum is moving house today and is super stressed and my dad is on holiday, so neither are much use right now. I literally go in circles. But this is probably the best plan.. I think..

I get stressed that I'm nearly 23 and have no idea where I want to go with my life. And then I think that by the time I'm 26/27 I want to be with a serious boyfriend/fiance, be thinking about houses and children and know what I'm doing with life. That's 4/5 years. What am I doing? Stress. Right now I'm counting down the days until I get home, where I'll be living with my mum and her new partner, unemployed, carless, most of my friends aren't coming back to my city after uni and with no idea what to do.

Home > bar job > TEFL course > save up > come back to Spain in January? Yes? No?

What if I spend £350 on the TEFL course and then don't use it? I guess it's only money... But it's not like I'm rolling in it. Hmmm. Decisions.

I did say to myself I would let myself bum around until I'm 25 so even if I didn't go until January, I would still have over a year and a half to spend teaching somewhere.

Oh I don't know. I'm useless with decisions at the moment.

Kisses

Decisions Decisions

I emailed the people I will be working for in Spain asking if it is okay to book my flights in July. I was going to do this so I could wait and see where I was being placed before I made a decision, but apparently they can't tell me until my flight is booked. So now I don't know what to do. I'm so up and down. On the one hand, being in Barcelona, living in a different country, learning Spanish and being with a good friend of mine who is also moving there in September sounds so good... But at the same time having to live with a host family, barely earning any money, working long days and missing home puts me off. I don't want to turn it down and end up regretting it, but then I don't want to waste my money on flights etc if I'm not sure. I spoke to my dad last night and he said go for it, get the experience and enjoy time abroad. I don't know. Yesterday I was quite sure I'd do it, today, not so much.

I'm bored today. It's grey outside so I don't really want to go out so I've been sat browsing the internet for ages. I think the family think that I am really boring, but what else should I be doing? I don't want to wander round in bad weather, I only have 2 hours until I collect the children so that means I can't go anywhere too far away and I have no friends yet to meet up with. How much of a loser does that make me sound? I'm hopefully meeting up with another au pair and some other people on Sunday though. I just hope they're nice and lead me to actually having a bit of a social life here! I don't think I'm really cut out to be an au pair. I don't have enough interest in the children. The little one annoys me. They're so whiny and literally cry about 10 times a day.

One more day until I can say I go home next month. I know it doesn't make much difference but it makes me feel better. It's not that I miss home so much, it's just that I miss social interaction and knowing things. I wander round in a little bubble, occasionally understanding a little bit of Spanish here and there. It gets tiring having to make so much effort with conversations and making sure I speak really clearly. I'm so lucky to have got a good family and to be living in a beautiful place but a little bit of me would love to be getting on a plane home in a couple of days. This is also what worries me about the job in September. I like my home comforts, I'm a home bird. Why am I finding it so hard to make a decision?! Until last weekend I was sorted, I knew I wanted to do it, I was excited... Now I'm a bit like... Nothing. Maybe I need to just book my flights and get it over with. I might have a look now and just go for it.. but then maybe I should wait a bit. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I got an email the other day telling me my dissertation results would be up by next Friday. SCARY. I really, really hope I did okay. I tried hard with it, I'll be so disappointed if I don't get a good mark. I don't know when my other marks will come. It's such a weird feeling just waiting. Someone out there will probably know how I've done.

I've been here a week and 2 days. Why do I already want to go home? This is what I mean about trying to make myself be the kind of person who loves travelling etc when really, I just like my home comforts and familiarity. But when I get home, it won't be my home. My mum's moving so I'll be in a new house. How strange. At least my room is nice and in the attic so away from everyone.

I always thought I'd know what I want to do with my life but right now I'm a bit like... I'm an "adult" now, I need to make decisions but I have no idea what I want to do. None. Help me.

Kisses

p.s. yesterday afternoon I was sitting on the beach and this couple sat down next to me and practically started doing it. Gross. I had to get up and move. It wasn't even a quiet bit of the beach. Plus it reminded me just how single I am. Lovely.