4 days

From 23 days, to 3 days and 4 hours 'till France. Someone remind me why I'm doing this? My love of children? NOPE. My lifelong desire to live in France? NOPE. To practice my French skills? NOPE NOPE NOPE.

I currently have a suitcase full of bags of vacuum packed stuff, next to a massive pile of unpacked stuff. I'm going to have to take two suitcases. Crazy bag lady? I'm stressing. I have loads to do before I go and the biggest problem... I don't know if I even want to go. It's a ten months. Nearly a whole year. Do I want to be away for that long? Sure, I'll come home in between, but only for like a few days at a time. I was out in the countryside today thinking how much I love England. So why am I going?

I have a bit of a fear. I know it's a bit stupid, but in my head it's not. When I was in Romania there was an event. Not a good one. We were staying in an apartment and to cut a long story short, one day we angered a neighbour who went CRAZY. I mean like literally knocking the door down crazy. It ended in a fight with chains, a baseball bat and lots of blood (thankfully not any of mine!). Luckily, I was with 5 other girls and we contacted a Romanian friend to call the police for us, but what if it happens again. This time I'll be on my own. I love the idea of having my own place, but I know I'll be on edge for a while.

And my next issue. Once I leave, I don't really have anywhere to come back to. Basically, my brother moved out earlier this year, saying he never planned to live at home again. My mum moved house, somewhere with no spare room for little bro to come back to. Little bro's circumstances changed and he moved home and since I got home from Spain, the living room has been his bedroom. When I leave, he gets my room. All fine, till I want to come home. And then I don't have anywhere to come "home" to. My mum said I'll always have a place here, but I don't count camping out in the living room a place. Sorry if that sounds ungreatful, but really, would you want to sleep in a room that's not really a bedroom, knowing you're stopping everyone else from being able to lounge on the sofa and watch TV etc?

I still need to buy gifts for the family, a birthday present for my niece who turns 5 just after I leave, finish packing, "pack" my room so my little brother can move into it, see my friends and mentally prepare myself. Last night I couldn't sleep. My heart was beating too fast and I was over thinking this whole situation way too much. Is that a sign that it's a mistake? It's too late to back out now. 4 more sleeps.

Grumpy grumps.

Kisses

I'm free (part 2)

So. My first day of being "free" and I'm just sitting in bed. I don't know what to do with myself at all. I feel like I should be doing an essay or at least thinking about it... I just thought I'd have this massive feeling of relief and excitement but I don't. I really, really just want to go home but I've promised I'll stay to go out for a meal tomorrow evening so I can't go home until Wednesday.

I'm going to York tomorrow though to meet up with my best friend. It's the last time I'll see her until I get back from Spain in August. I wish I actually had money to spend though. I want to buy some converse, so that's £40, the train is £7.50 and then I need to buy lunch etc and then go out for a meal tomorrow night. Expensive day. Plus I currently have £18 in my bank. Hmmm. I really don't want to have to ask my parents for money. I'm 22, I shouldn't still be relying on them. It really annoys me that a lot of my friends say they're all independent etc but still rely on parents to pay their rent or bail them out when they've spent all their money on nights out. If your parents can/want to help then fine, but 1, don't bang on about it all the time and 2, don't pretend that you're an adult and can handle your finances etc when you can't control your spending and have to run back to them at the end of each month. I'm not saying I'm great with money, I'm really not, but I try to make sure the important things are paid and usually the things I can't afford at the end of the month are just the things that I want, don't need. I have a bit of money saved, but I'm hoping I won't have to spend this while I'm in Spain as I'll be getting paid for au pairing. I do need to find the money to buy a graduation dress at some point though. We get our house deposit back at some point over the summer so at least I have that to look forward to.

I keep imagining the day I go to Spain. I'll be fine until my mum leaves me at the airport and then I'll get nervous. I don't like flying and then when I get off the plane, I'm going to have the awkward hunt around the airport for my host family, then the awkward meeting, then the awkward car journey home, then the awkward evening, then the awkward breakfast the next day... I don't cope well with awkward. At all. When will it become normal? After a day, a week, a month? What if they expect me to speak Spanish? I can't. What if they want me to do things I can't do? What if they're mean to me? There's a little bit of me thinking I should have stayed in England and bummed around for the summer before I move to Spain in September.. But then I guess I'd have been bored, poor and the weather will probably be bad. I'm just hoping it all goes smoothly, I fit in with them well, I meet other young people to hang out with (how do I do this? Hang around other young people and hope they'll talk to me??) and enjoy the summer. One week and 2 days. How fast has that come round? I started my blog not even sure if/when I was going to get an au pair job and now I'm so close to actually going. Crazy!

I've been offered the chance to go back to Romania in August as well. I'm not sure if my dad will let me go back after last time (can he stop me? I'm 22...) and if it's even a good idea. I might just see how I feel after Spain and think about going out for a week or 2.

What should I do today? All I need to do is pack my last few bits and finish off cleaning the kitchen. Everyone else still have assignments and exams to do so I'm just floating around on my own. I should go into uni and pay my library fine, but can I be bothered to walk alllll the way in just for that? Probably not. I might just watch loads of films. Actually, I've watched nearly every episode of Teachers, maybe I should watch the last few before I leave uni. My life better get more exciting than this. Last semester was good, lots of going out and excitement. This semester has been full of stress and planning. People reading my blog (if there is anyone? Even just one reader...) must think I am so dull. I might write my Romania post today, add a bit of excitement.

Hmmm. What to do, what to do.

Kisses.

Am I done?

I've blogged a lot recently. Bit sad really because I don't think anyone actually reads this...

I think I'm done with my uni work. Everything is submitted except one last STUPID essay. I keep reading it thinking I should change bits, but I really don't know what I could change. I'm going to have one last look at it tomorrow and then just submit it. Freedom!

I just want to go home now. I'm supposed to stay until Tuesday and go out for a last night out, then go home on Wednesday which I'm sure will be fun.. but I really want to go now. I'm working tomorrow night and then seeing some old housemates on Sunday so I can't go till Monday, and by then I might as well stay. I know when I get home I'll be complaining that I'm bored, but I just want to be back there and relax for a bit before Spain.

I have to work tonight. We're supposed to work every Friday night if we want any shifts during the week but I've managed to avoid it for weeks. It's so not my kind of thing. Loads of sweaty moshers dancing to heavy metal rock. So not my kind of thing. I've even agreed to start at 8pm instead of 11, which means moving round loads of tables and chairs by myself for 2 hours. Yay. I only have tonight and tomorrow night at work and then I'm finished! I feel like I should be sad, but right now I'm really not.

Wish I had more interesting things to blog about. If anyone is actually reading this, I promise to try and be more interesting once I get to Spain! In my mind it's going to be amazing, I'm going to love the family, meet loads of amazing people, do lots of cool things... but in reality I might hate it. I guess there's no way of knowing until I get there though. Last years summer plans all turned out to be a bit of a disaster. I went away three times. One time I fell out with my friend after leaving her in a Spanish hotel with an American man and no shoes, another I ended up in the only rainy bit of Spain, left early and went to Barcelona and got insanely burnt and then left Romania half way through my time there after nearly getting attacked by a Romanian man with chains and a baseball bat in our apartment. So altogether not great. I just don't want that to happen again. Hoping for some good luck this time.

Better get ready for work now. Preparing myself for a long night of awful music. Earplugs will definitely be coming out tonight.

Kisses