Day Two

After yesterdays self pitying and miserable post I thought I'd update with a more positive one.

My afternoon was better, although when we took the little girl to her swimming lesson all the other Spanish mums looked at me, asked my host mum if I could speak Spanish and then laughed when she said no. They obviously thought I couldn't understand any of what they are saying and although my Spanish is bad, I do understand bits so I knew they were talking about me!

I had an early dinner with the girl (overcooked green beans urghhh but with calamares which I loove) and got into bed early enough to watch FRIENDS on my laptop and catch up with a few friends at home. I slept really well and woke up this morning to take the little girl to school. I went for a walk down to the sea front and had a chocolate croissant for desayuno.
I got a bit lost on the way home but it was nice to explore a bit. Now I'm free until 12.30 when we are going to pick up the girl for lunch.

I would kind of prefer it if the mum worked. I thought it would be easier as I'm not actually in charge of the children, but I feel like I'm just hovering around a lot of the time. I guess that will get easier as time goes by though.

My internet died for a bit so I went and sat on the terrace for like 10 minutes and felt myself starting to burn. I love the sun but I wish I didn't have to worry about burning! I'm back in my room now, contemplating a nap before lunch. Such a hard life...

I hope this weekend away is okay. I have to share a room with the family which is weird. But then I can't complain because they've invited me. I could have stayed at their house but I feel like I have to make extra effort for the first couple of weeks.

I feel better now I'm back to my more positive self. I have a feeling there will be lots of up and down posts while I'm here. I'm hoping for mostly up though!

Kisses

Spain

I'm here!

I arrived yesterday evening and the family picked me up from the airport. It wasn't as awkward as I had imagined and we drove back to their town chatting and getting to know each other. They showed me round the house which is soo nice and I have my own room and bathroom. We went for a walk round the town and had an ice cream, then came home for dinner. I was up at about half 8 this morning and did a bit of school work with the girl and then went in the pool for a bit. I've just had lunch and now I'm free until 5pm.

All's good so far but I have a feeling 8 weeks is going to seem very long. I think I try to kid myself that I can "do" being abroad and away from home but I don't think I can. There's a bit of me that thinks forget the job in Spain in September and get a job and get on with life. But then I don't want to throw away my opportunity. Maybe it's just because I'm not settled yet, tired and feeling a bit down. I don't know. I just am finding it so tiring being chatty, smiley and enthusiastic. They keep asking if I'm tired because I'm quiet. But when it comes down to it I am quiet. I like my own company and my home comforts. How boring is this making me sound? There's a bit of me that looks at my friends who have a decent job, a nice boyfriend, a flat, a social life... and I want it. I think going abroad is my way of running away from the fact that that's what I want. I try to mold myself into this person that I'm not. I'm not insecure, far from that really. I'm probably one of the only ones in my friendship group that's comfortable with who they are but in my mind sometimes I'm not quite the person I actually am if that makes sense? I'm a home bird. I read blogs and hear my friends talk about incredible times abroad and I love the idea, but when it comes down to it, I'm just not sure if it's "me".

Maybe I'm just a bit homesick and it'll feel better once I'm more settled? I can't help myself looking at the planes in the sky thinking "that will be me in 58 days. One night down, fifty eight to go.

How miserable does this make me sound? I should be happy. I'm with a lovely family, in an amazing place. I'm getting paid to do very little work and I can spend my free time tanning on the beach and exploring the town. I can get into Barcelona in 30 minutes and it looks like there's a lot going on. I need to find some friends. If I knew I was going to meet up with some people my age this evening for drinks I think I would be happier. I've been in touch with a couple of au pairs nearby but they live out of the town so seeing them would mean some proper arranging, not just like grabbing a drink at the local bar. Who unleashed the negative side of me that I keep locked away? And why? I should be loving this and making the most of every opportunity. Why am I missing rainy England? I know if I was one of my friends and I was stuck in England I would be SO jealous. I'm going to the Costa Brava this weekend with the family. They're going sailing and windsurfing. I need to stop being moany and just enjoy this for what it is.

I meet the other girl I'm working with tomorrow. She's a little older and will hopefully speak more English which might make it easier. Hmmm.

I need to do as Yorkshire folk would say to me and "cheer up chuck"... I'm having a nap now and hoping I wake up in a better mood. I feel like a miserable teenager. What is wrong with me.

Kisses

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day I fly off to Spain and hopefully start my summer of Spanish fun!

To be honest, right now I'm a bit unexcited (is that a word?) about it. I'm so tired and getting ready feels like a bit of a chore. I wish I was more excited. But then when I talk about it I feel more excited and when I think about getting to the airport... I'm just dreading meeting the family and reallyyyy hope that they're nice!

I'm spending the day finishing off last bits, updating my ipod, packing and making sure I'm all ready. I can only take 15kg of luggage with me which I'm finding hard! I've pretty much finished packing my room for when my mum moves house as well. I have a horrible feeling my mum will find something when she's moving all my stuff. I don't know what. I don't really have anything top secret in my room and anything even remotely like that is neatly packed away. It just reminds me of a time she found a letter that reallyyyy shouldn't have been seen by her. She didn't say anything, just put it on my bed so I know she'd seen it. Oops.

I'm leaving about 11am tomorrow, calling at my uni house to pick up the last couple of bits that I couldn't fit in my dads car and then heading to the airport. My flight isn't until 3.15pm but I want to have time to check in without rushing and hopefully a quick lunch with my mum somewhere on the way. Then I have to deal with the flight. I hate it. I just need to remember to breatheeee.

I'm a bit sad to be going. I went for dinner and a few drinks with a couple of friends last night and it was so nice. One of them I've known since I was about 3, but I don't really remember that far back and moved up north for a bit so lost touch. The other I've known since I moved back to the city when I was about 10. Me, those two and one other girl call ourselves the "spinsters". We're all single and have been for a long time. We joke that we'll all be single for ever and laugh, but then the laughter turns a bit hysterical when we realise that it isn't too out there for it to come true. It'll be us four living in a house with 100 cats when we're OAP's. I know I shouldn't, but I keep having mini panics about the future. I would HATE to get to my mid thirties, still be living at home or in a rubbish little flat, bumming around doing jobs I hate and still single while all my friends get married and have children. In my mind, I want to be in my chosen career (teaching??), have a steady boyfriend/fiance, a house and be thinking about having children by the time I'm 28-30. Will that happen? WILL IT? Please tell me it will. What if it doesn't? What if I'm just that family member who is always alone and never takes a plus one to weddings etc. My friends will try but fail to set me up with their equally desperate friends. My friends will have to take it in turns to have me round for Christmas dinner. I'll holiday alone (this is already starting to happen. Help) and my mum will get sick of me lingering around all the time. I seriously hope this isn't the case, but I should start to prepare myself. I've got 6 years to decide what I want to do, pin down a man, get proposed to and have bought a house. Possible? Probably not with the way things are going. I'm not known for making the best decisions.

On the subject of bad decisions, I can feel a bad one creeping in. It's to do with a guy (snore) and I really shouldn't like him, but that feeling in the pit of my stomach is there and I don't want to admit it but maybe I do. Why do I always pick the wrong ones? Hopefully as soon as I leave English soil my thoughts will go and I'll forget about him... Or maybe not. Maybe I only like him because I've been single for a while and I'm flattered by the interest? How do some of my friends have it so easy? One lovely boyfriend to the next. I get complication, idiots and losers. Woo. I guess every group of friends has to have the token single one.

On the plus side, if I did have a boyfriend I wouldn't be able to fly off to spend months in Spain. When I think about it, I don't really want one but when me and my fellow spinsters get together I always walk away thinking OMG I need to sort my life out.

This time in 24 hours I'll be in the airport. Probably frantically putting on 100's of layers because my suitcase is too heavy and panicking in the corner about the flight. Breathe. 

Time to finish packing. I would actually pay someone to come and do it for me right now.

Kisses

Ticking Time

Uni life is now totally over. I moved home on Thursday. I feel like I should have been sadder, but as I left it just felt like I was going home for a few weeks or something. I said goodbye to my housemates and drove off down the road with my dad. Three years and a lot of good times later, it's all finished. I think it'll hit me in the summer when I'm home from Spain for a bit. I already don't feel like I can lounge around in bed all day like I did at uni. I have to get up and do stuff.

I feel like I've got a countdown timer ticking away the time until Spain. I really am looking forward to it, but I wish I had a bit more time. Thursday night my friend stayed over, yesterday I took her to get her tattoo, went shopping, had another friend over for dinner, today I'm sorting things out for moving house/Spain, maybe seeing a friend later, seeing my dad tomorrow, seeing friends and going out Monday, Tuesday will be last minute packing/being hungover and I go Wednesday. I just want a full day of doing nothing :( But I guess I'd rather be doing this and rushing around before going away, than not going away at all.

I'm in one of those situations, you know where you agree to something and then wish you hadn't? It's like that and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to let the person down, but I don't thinks it's really the best idea... I'm too nice to be mean and back out, but at the same time the thought of doing it makes me so scared. Ahhhh. What to do. It isn't me thinking about backing out of Spain by the way, it's something tonight/tomorrow. And now I'm one of those annoying people who speaks all cryptically. HELP.

I'm off to have lunch and mull over my options. Why am I so bad with situations like this. It should be simple.

Kisses

It's over

Uni is officially over. I'm not sure how to feel about it really. I thought I'd be really happy and excited but I'm actually quite sad about it. I went out last night with my work friends, one of my housemates and her friend. We went for food (I had a chicken burger. I haven't eaten meat since January) then some cocktails and on to this bar which is like our usual Tuesday night place. It was nice. I saw a couple of other course friends and almost got emotional saying goodbye (I never cry, so this is a big thing for me!). I've spent the last 3 years with these people and realistically, I won't ever see a lot of them again. Student life is over. I can't bum around getting student loans, staying in bed all day, having crazy nights out and panic write essays any more. I have to be responsible and go and look after children in Spain and then at some point get a "proper" job.

I've loved uni life. As much as I've complained about things, I have really loved it. First year, living in halls with crazy people, having flat parties, sleepovers in the living room, really random nights out.. One night we just stayed in and played ring of fire and I ended up with a can of beer poured over my head, ate a whole bag of cheesy Doritos and had to listen to this weird guys creepy baby laugh ringtone. I loved nights out where we ended up somewhere totally random like a girls flat where we let her kitten out and we were running round trying to catch it, drinking champagne, cruising round the city in a girl I'd never met's car and my housemate being sick in her hand. One night we all went out and me and one of my housemates got separated from the others, stalked a stranger and followed him into a 24 hour gym, spoke to some freshers for aaages, I "borrowed" someones crutches and then climbed up a cherry picker/crane. We've had nights where we're driven to the 24 hour krispy kreme shop 20 minutes up the motorway, midnight trips to Asda for hair dye and stayed up eating spaghetti hoops at 4am before an exam the next day. I got a job in second year and met some people I know will be friends for life. We got drunk before work and had to serve sweaty moshers until the early hours of the morning, got so drunk at the work Christmas party and left the club, queued for an hour for a taxi by myself and contemplated being sick in my Santa hat. I went for a night out where I work that ended in me getting so drunk, making a fool of myself in front of all the people I work with and left in tears, walked all the way home at 4am and fell out with my friend from work. I've had to run out of a lecture, after making everyone in the row of seats move to let me out because I've been so hungover and had to run off in the middle of serving a customer to be sick. I am a classy girl.

I'm moving out of my house tomorrow and that's it. No more uni. I can't believe how fast it's come round. Now that it's over I'm already wishing I'd done more with my time. It's been the best 3 years of my life though.

York yesterday was a lot of fun. I met up with my best friend who I've known since I was 4. When we're together we revert back to being children and it's so much fun. She gave me my birthday/going away present and I opened it when I got home and it was a box full of loads of little things like some jewellery, hair stuff, make up, snacks, a little journal and a card. I almost cried a bit. And like I said before, I never cry. Emotional day! I got my converse too so it was a good day all round.

I'm still in bed now. I should get up and finish packing and go and buy some food. But I'm so comfy and it's my last day in a student house so I'm making the most of it!

Kisses

I'm free (part 2)

So. My first day of being "free" and I'm just sitting in bed. I don't know what to do with myself at all. I feel like I should be doing an essay or at least thinking about it... I just thought I'd have this massive feeling of relief and excitement but I don't. I really, really just want to go home but I've promised I'll stay to go out for a meal tomorrow evening so I can't go home until Wednesday.

I'm going to York tomorrow though to meet up with my best friend. It's the last time I'll see her until I get back from Spain in August. I wish I actually had money to spend though. I want to buy some converse, so that's £40, the train is £7.50 and then I need to buy lunch etc and then go out for a meal tomorrow night. Expensive day. Plus I currently have £18 in my bank. Hmmm. I really don't want to have to ask my parents for money. I'm 22, I shouldn't still be relying on them. It really annoys me that a lot of my friends say they're all independent etc but still rely on parents to pay their rent or bail them out when they've spent all their money on nights out. If your parents can/want to help then fine, but 1, don't bang on about it all the time and 2, don't pretend that you're an adult and can handle your finances etc when you can't control your spending and have to run back to them at the end of each month. I'm not saying I'm great with money, I'm really not, but I try to make sure the important things are paid and usually the things I can't afford at the end of the month are just the things that I want, don't need. I have a bit of money saved, but I'm hoping I won't have to spend this while I'm in Spain as I'll be getting paid for au pairing. I do need to find the money to buy a graduation dress at some point though. We get our house deposit back at some point over the summer so at least I have that to look forward to.

I keep imagining the day I go to Spain. I'll be fine until my mum leaves me at the airport and then I'll get nervous. I don't like flying and then when I get off the plane, I'm going to have the awkward hunt around the airport for my host family, then the awkward meeting, then the awkward car journey home, then the awkward evening, then the awkward breakfast the next day... I don't cope well with awkward. At all. When will it become normal? After a day, a week, a month? What if they expect me to speak Spanish? I can't. What if they want me to do things I can't do? What if they're mean to me? There's a little bit of me thinking I should have stayed in England and bummed around for the summer before I move to Spain in September.. But then I guess I'd have been bored, poor and the weather will probably be bad. I'm just hoping it all goes smoothly, I fit in with them well, I meet other young people to hang out with (how do I do this? Hang around other young people and hope they'll talk to me??) and enjoy the summer. One week and 2 days. How fast has that come round? I started my blog not even sure if/when I was going to get an au pair job and now I'm so close to actually going. Crazy!

I've been offered the chance to go back to Romania in August as well. I'm not sure if my dad will let me go back after last time (can he stop me? I'm 22...) and if it's even a good idea. I might just see how I feel after Spain and think about going out for a week or 2.

What should I do today? All I need to do is pack my last few bits and finish off cleaning the kitchen. Everyone else still have assignments and exams to do so I'm just floating around on my own. I should go into uni and pay my library fine, but can I be bothered to walk alllll the way in just for that? Probably not. I might just watch loads of films. Actually, I've watched nearly every episode of Teachers, maybe I should watch the last few before I leave uni. My life better get more exciting than this. Last semester was good, lots of going out and excitement. This semester has been full of stress and planning. People reading my blog (if there is anyone? Even just one reader...) must think I am so dull. I might write my Romania post today, add a bit of excitement.

Hmmm. What to do, what to do.

Kisses.

I'M FINISHED

I'VE FINISHED UNI!

After getting up at 7.30am after not enough sleep (work, then drunk housemates woke me up...) I got up to go to an event in town to take photos to add to my portfolio website. When I got home I had a final read of my essay, added my pictures to the site and submitted it all. Finished. I thought I'd be more excited than this, but I just don't know what to do with myself. I spent the rest of the day restlessly lounging in bed, packing to move out and cleaning. I'm so ready to go home but I've got to wait until Wednesday. Then I have exactly a week until Spain!

Insanely tired now though, so that's all for tonight. Cannot wait to go to sleep. Shower, then catch up on The Voice and then bed. Zzzzzzzz.

Kisses