Decisions Decisions

I emailed the people I will be working for in Spain asking if it is okay to book my flights in July. I was going to do this so I could wait and see where I was being placed before I made a decision, but apparently they can't tell me until my flight is booked. So now I don't know what to do. I'm so up and down. On the one hand, being in Barcelona, living in a different country, learning Spanish and being with a good friend of mine who is also moving there in September sounds so good... But at the same time having to live with a host family, barely earning any money, working long days and missing home puts me off. I don't want to turn it down and end up regretting it, but then I don't want to waste my money on flights etc if I'm not sure. I spoke to my dad last night and he said go for it, get the experience and enjoy time abroad. I don't know. Yesterday I was quite sure I'd do it, today, not so much.

I'm bored today. It's grey outside so I don't really want to go out so I've been sat browsing the internet for ages. I think the family think that I am really boring, but what else should I be doing? I don't want to wander round in bad weather, I only have 2 hours until I collect the children so that means I can't go anywhere too far away and I have no friends yet to meet up with. How much of a loser does that make me sound? I'm hopefully meeting up with another au pair and some other people on Sunday though. I just hope they're nice and lead me to actually having a bit of a social life here! I don't think I'm really cut out to be an au pair. I don't have enough interest in the children. The little one annoys me. They're so whiny and literally cry about 10 times a day.

One more day until I can say I go home next month. I know it doesn't make much difference but it makes me feel better. It's not that I miss home so much, it's just that I miss social interaction and knowing things. I wander round in a little bubble, occasionally understanding a little bit of Spanish here and there. It gets tiring having to make so much effort with conversations and making sure I speak really clearly. I'm so lucky to have got a good family and to be living in a beautiful place but a little bit of me would love to be getting on a plane home in a couple of days. This is also what worries me about the job in September. I like my home comforts, I'm a home bird. Why am I finding it so hard to make a decision?! Until last weekend I was sorted, I knew I wanted to do it, I was excited... Now I'm a bit like... Nothing. Maybe I need to just book my flights and get it over with. I might have a look now and just go for it.. but then maybe I should wait a bit. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I got an email the other day telling me my dissertation results would be up by next Friday. SCARY. I really, really hope I did okay. I tried hard with it, I'll be so disappointed if I don't get a good mark. I don't know when my other marks will come. It's such a weird feeling just waiting. Someone out there will probably know how I've done.

I've been here a week and 2 days. Why do I already want to go home? This is what I mean about trying to make myself be the kind of person who loves travelling etc when really, I just like my home comforts and familiarity. But when I get home, it won't be my home. My mum's moving so I'll be in a new house. How strange. At least my room is nice and in the attic so away from everyone.

I always thought I'd know what I want to do with my life but right now I'm a bit like... I'm an "adult" now, I need to make decisions but I have no idea what I want to do. None. Help me.

Kisses

p.s. yesterday afternoon I was sitting on the beach and this couple sat down next to me and practically started doing it. Gross. I had to get up and move. It wasn't even a quiet bit of the beach. Plus it reminded me just how single I am. Lovely.